Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It'll be great. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and entirely outside of place. Made by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have One more place where American Adult males can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you All people a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly soft energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every single unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he ought to prevent applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked concerning the venture, replied, "You already know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from House, a function becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental groups have filed lawsuits after acquiring the building's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Features

Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower Trump Tower Damascus is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium in which visitors may contemplate imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing System: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Appear"

The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it might stabilize the realm"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "the place's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The challenge is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even contain:

A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War

Comment Portion Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have turn-down company."

A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies counsel:

China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to develop a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Last Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."